How to Get Over Your Ex

In this episode, I'm talking about how to get over your ex, particularly when a relationship ends that you valued more than the other person did. Breakups can be especially difficult because, unlike losing someone to death, you have to watch someone you once shared a life with go on living theirs without you. Over time, the relationship can begin to feel like something that happened in another lifetime, and it's easy to get caught up in missing them, resenting them, or questioning what any of it meant.

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I approach getting over an ex through three steps grounded in Stoic philosophy, beginning with understanding where your actual value comes from.

For the Stoics, our worth isn't determined by our relationships, careers, wealth, or whether somebody wants to be with us. It resides in our rational faculty, the hegemonikon, which receives impressions, forms judgments, and directs our choices. This faculty makes us capable of acting as rational moral agents, and the character we develop through its exercise is what matters most.

From there, I ask you to examine what you're doing with that faculty. Are your thoughts and judgments helping you become someone you respect, or are you allowing resentment, longing, and frustration to shape your character? I use some admittedly ridiculous metaphors involving moral auras, coloured plastic, and keeping the inside of your mind from becoming a pigsty, but the point is serious: the quality of our inner lives affects how we show up in the world.

Finally, I explain why recognising your responsibility to develop good character changes how you think about your ex. You have something more important to attend to than a relationship that's ended: becoming a decent, rational, virtuous person, not just for your own sake but for the benefit of everyone who shares the cosmopolis with you.

The Stoic approach isn't to make your ex irrelevant by pretending the relationship never mattered. It's to recognise that your value was never theirs to give you or take away, and that your attention belongs to the person you're becoming rather than the relationship you've lost.

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